But I'm Still Sleepy.

I didn't realize just how much I loved him until I realized the possibility of losing him forever was just over the horizon

I know I loved him

I have loved him since just a few months after I met him

But I fought it

I fought him

Because he wanted to approach things differently

But I loved him still

From a distance . . .

As my friend . . .

I have never been so transparent with anyone in my life

I have never had anyone give me the truth, 100%, no matter how much it hurt

I loved him for that and more

We have been friends through it all

Distance . . .

     Time . . .

          Failed relationships . . .

               Mistakes . . .

                    Arguments . . .

                         Life . . .

But my love for him has yet to fade

I miss him

But I was too scared to tell him that when it mattered most

I was scared because I understood my love for him was different

And if I actually opened myself up to him,

I might actually lose myself in him

Be 100% vulnerable

     For the first time

          To him . . .

I was afraid he would love me like I actually deserved to be loved

And I would fall short in returning that love because . . .

Because . . .

     Because, I wasn't quite sure, at that time, that I was deserving of that love . . .

But as I have grown and learned to love myself,

     I understand the magnitude of the love

I fought him to keep away from me

     I understand who will always occupy a big piece of my heart

And I know why . . .

I missed out on his love

     I miss him as my friend

          I learned where my excitement lies

               Even after all these years

I'm sorry for pushing you away

     I apologize for not understanding

The reason I resisted you so much is because I didn't love myself

     Enough to understand why you loved me the way you did

I love me now

     And I now understand, I will always love you

Life is all about lessons

     And this is one lesson I am truly sorry for learning so late . . .