She/Me

Let me start off by congratulating you

The you who grew up in an environment laden with confidence boosting parents, family, teachers, and peers

The you who never felt like they had to live life a certain way to be worthy of the encouraging words

The you who was born with an unwavering level of self-confidence, self-motivation, self-esteem

Congrats to you . . . because that you surely isn't me.

Being different is the story of my life

And although I knew this from a very young age, it took me a long time to accept that being me was quite OK

Tall, awkward, big-legs, long, natural braids, with headphones in my ears, my nose in a book only coming out to play when there were people I wanted to play with

And to be honest . . . not too much has changed . . .

The difference between she and me is the desire to satisfy the people around her and not herself

She wanted to make the people around her proud

Me . . . I want to make me proud.

The biggest difference between the two? Now I wear a big bright smile while they attempt to hide their dissatisfied frowns

The biggest eye opener along this journey has been the realization that no matter how big or bright my smile is shining . . . they refuse to be happy for me, they refuse to support me.

Because when I started living by my rules instead of theirs, my life suddenly became an act, a performance, a topic of criticism, of gossip - with no hints of truth

Crazy right?

For too many years I cared and maybe even thrived off of approval. Played in circles for applause with a smile painted over my frown

With eyes that were empty deep within . . . But you smiled for me then

I developed a new relationship with self. I formed a deeper connection in my faith. I meditated and discovered just where my inner peace lies. I removed myself from situations that encourage chaos and confusion. And I opened up my heart to receive the love I deserve.

Yes, I have changed.

But if anything about my growth offends you, you probably loved the she you were able to control and not the me who has set out to be free.

If my glow up has caused you to frown, I do not apologize because both my smile and my eyes have found their light

Come out of your darkness.