Promise

I made a promise to myself

To embrace me

And force the characteristics of my personality that lay dormant out into the light

I promised myself to hold my head high and embrace my beauty that is unique

I decided that the comfort of my safety zone wasn't where I was destined to remain

There was a big world out there

A new domain

I reminded myself that I am enough and any man who enters my realm must be smart enough to realize that

I smiled when I understood what I was deserving of

And laughed when I realized just how many people were against my happiness

This life is for me to live

And there is only one person responsible for my happiness

ME.

I Know Loss . . .

I lost my first best friend when I was just shy of seven years old

He was the coolest man I'd ever known

He taught me how to play the piano

And draw my lines and numbers for hopscotch

He cooked me breakfast while we watched cartoons in the kitchen

He would whistle for me down the stairs

It was like our own secret language we shared

We walked around the longest blocks

And collected all types of cool leaves and stuff

I called my first best friend "Grandaddy" . . .

He was the first to teach me the meaning of loss

For ten years, I lived amongst it but it didn't hit quite so close to home until . . .

I lost my second best friend

I was just shy of 17, a senior in high school

And the thought of her not being there to hold my hand as I celebrated my graduation, never crossed my mind

Graduation day came but she wasn't there

My shopping partner

     My ice cream truck chaser

          My taxi cab adventure partner

My fashion idol

     And my hair inspiration

Had joined my first best friend to be with the Lord

I called her "Nana" . . . My heart shattered when you left us

My best friends became my angels ten years apart.

In 2008, I suffered a loss that wrenched my body with such chaos and confusion, I wasn't sure what to do next . . . I lost my father - the man biologically responsible for my existence but 0% responsible for my development

What do you do with a feeling of loss that is 50% rooted in "why do I even care so much?"

Trust me, I know loss . . . from every perspective

In 2010, just as I processed the idea of bearing my own seed, I gained another angel . . .

Not just any angel, but a man who counted me as one of his own

A man of everlasting encouragement and silent applause

I can't remember any major life milestone he wasn't there for . . . but as I touched my belly and wept, I knew this next milestone, he would bless

Now "we" were now learning the meaning of loss together . . . before birth.

You see, I know loss

I learned young

These lessons in loss helped to shape the woman I have become

I love hard

     To eliminate the chance of regrets

"What if" has been removed from my vocabulary

I can tell you, what is

I no longer silence my tongue, I speak what is on my mind

I wish the best for everyone, even when they are no longer in my life

I remove toxic people

     I only have room for positive vibes

I have attained a level of peace within myself that is not easily understood

I know all of my prayers will be answered in due time

I know loss, that is why I don't believe in lost time

Love hard. Live with No Regrets. Make Your Own Rules.

Promise to love those who mean the most, when it matters most . . . in life.

She/Me

Let me start off by congratulating you

The you who grew up in an environment laden with confidence boosting parents, family, teachers, and peers

The you who never felt like they had to live life a certain way to be worthy of the encouraging words

The you who was born with an unwavering level of self-confidence, self-motivation, self-esteem

Congrats to you . . . because that you surely isn't me.

Being different is the story of my life

And although I knew this from a very young age, it took me a long time to accept that being me was quite OK

Tall, awkward, big-legs, long, natural braids, with headphones in my ears, my nose in a book only coming out to play when there were people I wanted to play with

And to be honest . . . not too much has changed . . .

The difference between she and me is the desire to satisfy the people around her and not herself

She wanted to make the people around her proud

Me . . . I want to make me proud.

The biggest difference between the two? Now I wear a big bright smile while they attempt to hide their dissatisfied frowns

The biggest eye opener along this journey has been the realization that no matter how big or bright my smile is shining . . . they refuse to be happy for me, they refuse to support me.

Because when I started living by my rules instead of theirs, my life suddenly became an act, a performance, a topic of criticism, of gossip - with no hints of truth

Crazy right?

For too many years I cared and maybe even thrived off of approval. Played in circles for applause with a smile painted over my frown

With eyes that were empty deep within . . . But you smiled for me then

I developed a new relationship with self. I formed a deeper connection in my faith. I meditated and discovered just where my inner peace lies. I removed myself from situations that encourage chaos and confusion. And I opened up my heart to receive the love I deserve.

Yes, I have changed.

But if anything about my growth offends you, you probably loved the she you were able to control and not the me who has set out to be free.

If my glow up has caused you to frown, I do not apologize because both my smile and my eyes have found their light

Come out of your darkness.    

#iamart

a free bird

a beautiful complexity

full of well-placed contradictions

a dreamer, deeply rooted in reality

a silent-observer, seeking adventure

an undercover overlover . . . #iamart

~Shoes~

I have a weakness for you

A weakness I didn't think I was capable of exposing

A weakness that causes my heart to constrict at the mention of your name

A weakness that makes me want to withstand the rain

**I can't believe I keep doing this to myself**

As much as I wish I could block you out of my heart . . . my head . . . my life

As much as I wish I could just disconnect . . .

My spirit still knows when you are near

**I'm losing my cool**

I try my best to stay strong

Keep my feelings tucked deep down inside

But once the conversation starts to flow,

They all tumble,

My tongue betrays me,

My feelings come flooding out with a deep look

Into your eyes

**Running back to you every time you call**

Your presence does nothing but draw me in closer

I yearn to be in your arms

Have you hold me tight and smother me with your

Kiss

**Damn**

When we are together, I can't stop talking,

We laugh,

We share a few drinks,

Until I can't resist the touch from you

**Your loving makes me weak/We can't stop**

But I . . .

**Don't remember the last time I came over to your place**

But then we keep on . . .

**Drinking, Touching, and Kissing**

Until we got to the point where we . . .

**Didn't care who [would] see**

You have added an element to my life I didn't know existed. My . . .

**Hair is all out of place**

Not from the love we have made

But from the stress you have caused by

Bringing my heart to such a quickened pace

**Dude, where are my shoes . . .**

(Inspired by Marsha Ambrosius - "Shoes")

From A Goddess. To My Warrior.

Dear Warrior -

Here I am.

     Your free bird.

          Your sweet wild woman.

The woman to keep your hands full.

     I am that Goddess you have been

          searching for.

I am here to love you.

     To wander through this thing called life

          with you.

     To match your fire.

          So, we can encourage each others flames.

You can bet your heart on me

     because I can promise you

          I am all the way in.

You will love me because of my wild.

          Admiring my strength and intensity.

     Never out to tame.

Our collision will be a love

          set on fire.

The love you seek in this chaotic beauty

     is

       seeking

         you

           as

             well.

I can see your wild. Clearly.

          I want you to venture out into the world

     As I promise to still stand by your side

When you return.

     You were born knowing you were destined for me.

I am that more you have been searching for.

          That fierceness that you crave

     that brings a smile to your face because

no matter what, I can't scare you away.

In me, you met your match.

          In you, I found the same.

I needed your masculine energy to show me

     you can't be manipulated or played with.

          That you are here to lead me along the way

You're not here to strip me of my fire,

                                   my passion,

                                 or my freedom.

Because you know without those things,

     I would be unable to love you the same.

You love me because of my wild.

     And your love,

          increases my intensity.

Warrior,

     Come live and love in the wild with me.

I'll show you what real love is.

Love,

     Your Goddess in wait . . .

trans·par·ent

That woman consumed with silent observation

Mind racing with never-ending thoughts

Heart filled with desires she rarely speaks of

A body strengthened by courageous experiences . . .

Yes. I'm Her.

Tall, classy, and very much sassy

An introvert to strangers but a conversationalist in comfort

A socially awkward misunderstood beauty

Far from stuck up, just focused on where she has to go

A lover of all things music, a rock star in her heart

Arts portray the beauty she wishes others would see in the world

She dances to the beats in between the drum beats,

     the sounds of hearts

I'm Her.

Educated, motivated, driven

A tomboy, feminized, in heels and a skirt that breaches her thighs

Bourgeois, a sheltered city-girl who plays no games

What she wants, she speaks

     When she thinks a thought is worth voicing, you know

A heart wrapped in gold . . . selfless to a dire extreme

Yes. I Am Her.

She has a serious desire to love

Not just anybody, but you

You because your vibrations enhance her own

     Your heartbeat calms her

          And her body falls limp in your arms

Not because she is weak, but because she feels covered

     in your strength

I Am Her.

She wants to love you in ways you've never known

Help you place your feet upon your throne

While she, carefully, sits beside you in her own

Beside you because that is where your rib is placed

But submissive to your strength to rule

Yes. I'm Her.

She is the woman you have been praying for . . .

A woman who puts God first

She assesses your value based on time spent,

     not materialistic bullshit

With you, she is only interested in unlimited conversation

     quiet comfort

She looks forward to creating memories on an

     adventure that leads to the oceans edge or

          a snow-capped mountain top

I'm Her.

She is highly selective about who she lets into her space

Her time is precious therefore, she does not waste

Her heart is a pure classic treasure, not to be teased

And her mind . . .

      is filled with wisdom beyond her years

She does not let you in because she needs you,

     She lets you in because she wants you there

Treasure her, love her and life, as you know it,

     will never be the same . . .

I. Am. Her.

Speak My Peace.

Let me start off by saying, I hate being vulnerable. But let the end of this beginning take notice . . . My peace is worth more than my pride.

This foundation was built on honesty and a spoken agreement that any change in feelings would be expressed without hesitation.

So . . . Why am I hesitating?

I'm hesitating because although my peace is very important to me, I am struggling to figure out if being vulnerable with you . . . to you . . . is even worth it to me.

Not that your worth is in question. The circumstances are. And knowing things are in the midst of change, I am just trying to decide if I should let my feelings lie on the side.

*giggles* Lie on the side . . .

That's funny because that is exactly what I'd be doing if I continue as if this means nothing . . . I'd be lying to myself . . . on the side.

On the side because in your face, I don't think you would ever truly know unless I spoke the words to you

Not that this is a profession of love, this is a confession of like, acknowledgement of interest, an admission that I'd like to exist just a little bit deeper in your life

Should I just clear the air of the fog that is in existence in my head? Or do I just continue as is until this friendship becomes just a distant memory. A living question . . . could we have ever been anything . . .

But I want to remind him. I want to prove to him. That I stand by my word and regardless of the pending changes in his life, I am true to me and honest with he.

Be at peace internally, while introducing my vulnerability to the world

OR

Keep my heart palpitating to a hidden beat while keeping the world at peace

I'm interested . . .

Speaking my peace.