She/Me

Let me start off by congratulating you

The you who grew up in an environment laden with confidence boosting parents, family, teachers, and peers

The you who never felt like they had to live life a certain way to be worthy of the encouraging words

The you who was born with an unwavering level of self-confidence, self-motivation, self-esteem

Congrats to you . . . because that you surely isn't me.

Being different is the story of my life

And although I knew this from a very young age, it took me a long time to accept that being me was quite OK

Tall, awkward, big-legs, long, natural braids, with headphones in my ears, my nose in a book only coming out to play when there were people I wanted to play with

And to be honest . . . not too much has changed . . .

The difference between she and me is the desire to satisfy the people around her and not herself

She wanted to make the people around her proud

Me . . . I want to make me proud.

The biggest difference between the two? Now I wear a big bright smile while they attempt to hide their dissatisfied frowns

The biggest eye opener along this journey has been the realization that no matter how big or bright my smile is shining . . . they refuse to be happy for me, they refuse to support me.

Because when I started living by my rules instead of theirs, my life suddenly became an act, a performance, a topic of criticism, of gossip - with no hints of truth

Crazy right?

For too many years I cared and maybe even thrived off of approval. Played in circles for applause with a smile painted over my frown

With eyes that were empty deep within . . . But you smiled for me then

I developed a new relationship with self. I formed a deeper connection in my faith. I meditated and discovered just where my inner peace lies. I removed myself from situations that encourage chaos and confusion. And I opened up my heart to receive the love I deserve.

Yes, I have changed.

But if anything about my growth offends you, you probably loved the she you were able to control and not the me who has set out to be free.

If my glow up has caused you to frown, I do not apologize because both my smile and my eyes have found their light

Come out of your darkness.    

Speak My Peace.

Let me start off by saying, I hate being vulnerable. But let the end of this beginning take notice . . . My peace is worth more than my pride.

This foundation was built on honesty and a spoken agreement that any change in feelings would be expressed without hesitation.

So . . . Why am I hesitating?

I'm hesitating because although my peace is very important to me, I am struggling to figure out if being vulnerable with you . . . to you . . . is even worth it to me.

Not that your worth is in question. The circumstances are. And knowing things are in the midst of change, I am just trying to decide if I should let my feelings lie on the side.

*giggles* Lie on the side . . .

That's funny because that is exactly what I'd be doing if I continue as if this means nothing . . . I'd be lying to myself . . . on the side.

On the side because in your face, I don't think you would ever truly know unless I spoke the words to you

Not that this is a profession of love, this is a confession of like, acknowledgement of interest, an admission that I'd like to exist just a little bit deeper in your life

Should I just clear the air of the fog that is in existence in my head? Or do I just continue as is until this friendship becomes just a distant memory. A living question . . . could we have ever been anything . . .

But I want to remind him. I want to prove to him. That I stand by my word and regardless of the pending changes in his life, I am true to me and honest with he.

Be at peace internally, while introducing my vulnerability to the world

OR

Keep my heart palpitating to a hidden beat while keeping the world at peace

I'm interested . . .

Speaking my peace.