I Know Loss . . .

I lost my first best friend when I was just shy of seven years old

He was the coolest man I'd ever known

He taught me how to play the piano

And draw my lines and numbers for hopscotch

He cooked me breakfast while we watched cartoons in the kitchen

He would whistle for me down the stairs

It was like our own secret language we shared

We walked around the longest blocks

And collected all types of cool leaves and stuff

I called my first best friend "Grandaddy" . . .

He was the first to teach me the meaning of loss

For ten years, I lived amongst it but it didn't hit quite so close to home until . . .

I lost my second best friend

I was just shy of 17, a senior in high school

And the thought of her not being there to hold my hand as I celebrated my graduation, never crossed my mind

Graduation day came but she wasn't there

My shopping partner

     My ice cream truck chaser

          My taxi cab adventure partner

My fashion idol

     And my hair inspiration

Had joined my first best friend to be with the Lord

I called her "Nana" . . . My heart shattered when you left us

My best friends became my angels ten years apart.

In 2008, I suffered a loss that wrenched my body with such chaos and confusion, I wasn't sure what to do next . . . I lost my father - the man biologically responsible for my existence but 0% responsible for my development

What do you do with a feeling of loss that is 50% rooted in "why do I even care so much?"

Trust me, I know loss . . . from every perspective

In 2010, just as I processed the idea of bearing my own seed, I gained another angel . . .

Not just any angel, but a man who counted me as one of his own

A man of everlasting encouragement and silent applause

I can't remember any major life milestone he wasn't there for . . . but as I touched my belly and wept, I knew this next milestone, he would bless

Now "we" were now learning the meaning of loss together . . . before birth.

You see, I know loss

I learned young

These lessons in loss helped to shape the woman I have become

I love hard

     To eliminate the chance of regrets

"What if" has been removed from my vocabulary

I can tell you, what is

I no longer silence my tongue, I speak what is on my mind

I wish the best for everyone, even when they are no longer in my life

I remove toxic people

     I only have room for positive vibes

I have attained a level of peace within myself that is not easily understood

I know all of my prayers will be answered in due time

I know loss, that is why I don't believe in lost time

Love hard. Live with No Regrets. Make Your Own Rules.

Promise to love those who mean the most, when it matters most . . . in life.

Speak My Peace.

Let me start off by saying, I hate being vulnerable. But let the end of this beginning take notice . . . My peace is worth more than my pride.

This foundation was built on honesty and a spoken agreement that any change in feelings would be expressed without hesitation.

So . . . Why am I hesitating?

I'm hesitating because although my peace is very important to me, I am struggling to figure out if being vulnerable with you . . . to you . . . is even worth it to me.

Not that your worth is in question. The circumstances are. And knowing things are in the midst of change, I am just trying to decide if I should let my feelings lie on the side.

*giggles* Lie on the side . . .

That's funny because that is exactly what I'd be doing if I continue as if this means nothing . . . I'd be lying to myself . . . on the side.

On the side because in your face, I don't think you would ever truly know unless I spoke the words to you

Not that this is a profession of love, this is a confession of like, acknowledgement of interest, an admission that I'd like to exist just a little bit deeper in your life

Should I just clear the air of the fog that is in existence in my head? Or do I just continue as is until this friendship becomes just a distant memory. A living question . . . could we have ever been anything . . .

But I want to remind him. I want to prove to him. That I stand by my word and regardless of the pending changes in his life, I am true to me and honest with he.

Be at peace internally, while introducing my vulnerability to the world

OR

Keep my heart palpitating to a hidden beat while keeping the world at peace

I'm interested . . .

Speaking my peace.